Y’all will not believe the month I’ve had. Between the hurricanes and recent self-discoveries, your girl has been busy. Let me start by saying, I’ve lived a very repressed life as an adult. If you’ve met me, you know I have a booming voice and laugh to match. People assume I’m carefree and outgoing, but my life didn’t reflect that because I’d carefully cultivated my narrative. Out of fear of what others would think of me I chose to lock myself up into a cage of constraint however, I’d allow those I’m close too to see me. The real me. The problems then began to arise for me when friendships ended. People I knew I would carry into my next phase of life are no longer accompanying me. Now, I had to sift through those feelings and reevaluate my choices. Who am I without them?

Being a pansexual was something I knew inheritably before I understood what it meant. I’ve always loved whoever loved me. Through and through. My upbringing taught me that what god, my parents, partners and society viewed as “normal” was the priority, not my own will. Society taught me that good girls find a good/bad boy and build a life with them. So, that’s what I did. I did it all while disassociating and focusing on the needs of others. When my children grew up, I was grateful but mourned the loss of motherhood. Motherhood provided an identity and safety. I could talk to literal strangers about the frustration of a kid’s missing lunchbox or the late-night last-minute science fair project. This was how I identified myself for two decades. A mother. But I’m a whole person. I was a person with dreams and desires before I ever gave birth. This journey y’all are taking with me is my reconnection to her. And that requires I explore my sexuality.

Leave it to an old friend to step into my life and reignite a fire in me I thought was long extinguished. He asked me to tell him about my pansexuality and I had nothing to tell. My life has been a series of monogamous relationships with emotionally unavailable people for years at a time. It was a pattern I was accustomed to at this point. Once he’d left, I started to do the math; I’m the common denominator. If these niggas are emotionally unavailable, I am too. It’s quite literally the only reason I wind back up in the same situation over and over. Like attracts like. That realization has actually changed the course of my life. My goal now is to now show up authentically. If you fuck with it great. If you don’t, its okay.

I won’t go into detail at this time but now I’m living in my truth. Chile, I’m happily creating my world exactly as I want it without reservation and my future is bright. I feel lighter and fulfilled. Empowered and capable. I’m also being authentic and safe because ew. And just to let you know, I’ve been in some rooms with tons of baby oil but with everyone’s consent. Adult fun is fun. You can be ashamed if you want but I’m not. Shame and fear have limited me enough. I’d rather die knowing I actually lived instead of regretting a bliss I would’ve never known. I deserve a life I love and that’s what I’m creating.