Last month, I fulfilled a fantasy I never even considered was a possibility. I participated in a group sexual activity. Sounds crazy right? It was. It was actually quite insane. Once I got home and allowed myself to decompress, my sense of self shattered. Who am I? Since when were these types of activities “allowed”? Why am I so bad? That’s when the self-loathing began. My insecurities reminded me why I was unlovable and alone. I thought of my exes and the myriads of reasons they all provided for their exits. At least they had the option to leave. I’m trapped with myself.

This went on for four days. The self-deprecating continued for a full week. Zero self-esteem for seven entire days. Meanwhile, the participatory cast of characters, continued reminiscing while I struggled to recollect. Hoping if I could mentally erase that night, somehow the woman I was prior would return. That would make me good enough right?

The crazy part is it was a magical night. Everything was incredible! I had an amazing time with some of the absolute best people in the world and fulfilled a fantasy from my wildest dreams. How is that a problem? It’s not. Why did I feel awful immediately afterwards? I was taught to. My programming told me my happiness came at the expense of others. My husband’s happiness. My children’s happiness. At no point did my instructions provide me with an expectation of my own happiness. Interacting with my own happiness is confusing to my nervous system.

While panicking in immense happiness sounds redundant, it’s actually helping me to learn what I like and don’t like. Baby I loved that night! It was grown and playful and made me feel like the softest sweetest vixen. What I realized was this life will give me the discomfort from the reins of my programming, but I am not a victim. I deserve to feel good and to live out my wildest dreams. On day eight, I gathered all of the pieces of my self worth and picked out the parts that no longer served me. I slid those outdated ideas into the nearest receptacle and put myself together in my own image. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and my heaven is here on Earth.

P.S. I suggest you try before you knock it. Honestly, being pansexual is pretty fucking dope. There are so many people out here like me thinking something is wrong with them. You are not broken dear one. You just need to find your people.